Player Profiles

Better known as Joseph Stalin, or Big Joe, he is the face of the league and a menace to society on and off the court. His solid, all-around play leaves little to be desired, and he always seems to find a way to top the charts. He set the record for most points with 478 in a stellar 2013 season. He is also a great dunker, in past years often contesting the title of Chief of Dunks. Despite racking up the points year after year, he still manages to injure his opponents along with the best of them, showing true savagery in his mauling.

More often known as Chairman Mao, or Mao pain Mao gain, Mao is a all around great team player, although he is often criticized for his lack of injuries caused. He really shines at the center of a great team, rarely dunking the ball himself but often setting up team mates for a great slam dunk, or being the lesser partner in a Winston double-up. While he does not show the pure barbaric rage of Kim Jong-un, he often uses arm-bars and headlocks to hold down his opponents for a savage, team-building beatdown session with his team.

Known on the court as "Mixin' Nixon" due to his tendency to churn things up, this flashy playmaker struts up and down the court, delivering flashy dunk and drive by kneecapping of his opponents. He never attacks his opponents with any true savagery, preferring stylized kicks to the face, and flashy mock executions. He is sometimes criticized for showboating and ball hogging, but his team mates don't seems to mind when he racks up a 12-point game to carry them to victory.

The older Kim Shares his vicious son's inability to dunk, but lacks his white hot barbaric rage. Still, this veteran player is no slacker himself, and it is rumoured that he helped birth the monster than is Jong-un by beating him as a child. His play is unspectacular, but solid, ranking him in the top 10 for as long as anyone can remember. He is well known for rarely missing a game due to injury, once playing a game with an external kidney.

Known as Louis, or 'The Sun King', this upshot rookie is ready to rumble. His first year in the league was a great performance, dunking, scoring and maiming opponents in true ballin fashion. Will he continue his stellar performance, or will the curse of the rookie doom him to mediocrity?

Known as Nero, or "Nero the Hero'. this ruthless defenceman is known for his aggressive playstyle, often seizing an open area of the court and passing to a team mate for a point, or even running up and dunking himself. Despite his offensive capabilities, he is no defensive slouch, either, leaving opponents truly afraid to roll up in his grill lest they lose a finger or a spleen."

He may be short and unable to dunk, but his brutality on the field is unrivalled. He has caused the most injuries in the league for 3 years running. He is hated by some for sidelining Hitler, but brutal violence is part of the game, and Kim is a clean player, not using any illegal weapons or biohazards. His team play is average at best, but his savage displays of primitive anger often leave his team mates with openings to score, as the enemy team piles on top of him in an effort to save their team mates face, often literally.

Castro is a dynamic player, switching from defenceman to forward in the 2013 season. The change has suited him, as unlike many who make the switch, his savagery has only increased. He transformed from an average defender into a point-scoring beast.

An inspiring comeback story, Mussolini missed the 2013 season due to his late 2012 injury, coming back in the second half of '14 and showing a solid performance. Despite an early scare where his body rejected three transplanted organs mid-match, he has since recovered nicely and is well on his way to being the offensive, savage player that he was in 2011.

Known for his jolly attitude towards both team play and violence, Hugo is a joy to know on and off the court. He enjoys making witty oneliners during a dunk or piledrive, and his opponents generally respect him as much for his attitude and wit as his play. He may display all the symptoms of chronic sociopathy, but that just makes the fans love him even more.

Bush is known as much for his off-the court plays as his on-court performance. Rumors contstantly circulate about his marital life, affairs, sexual orientation, mental health, penis size, and criminal record. Despite a few incidents in which he or his wife sent paparazzi to the hospital, he has kept a remarkably cool head, focusing on playing ball, which he admittedly does quite well.

Napoleon is a solid player, but it is his leadership and team spirit that make him great. Captain of his team, he is a role model for the rookies and his guidance has been invaluable for many new players. He has taught many big names such as Nero, Mao, and Castro, and the rising star Louis XVI is currently thriving under his mentorship. There is a persistent rumour that he even taught Kim Jon-un a thing or two on inflicting pain.

Also known as 'Dracula' for his off court shenanigans, he is an exceedingly violent player who sometimes ignores scoring opportunities to inflict suffering on his opponents. He has a reputation as a dirty player, being banned in the past for smuggling an ice pick into a game and using it to shank the referee. He appears to have cleaned up his act in recent months, although there are allegations that the fan who threw a smoke bomb into his opponent's bench in a recent game was not acting alone, and the mysterious stab wounds on five of the players were caused by him.

Mugabe has never been a great player, but he makes up for it by the sheer amount of blood, sweat, and tears that are constantly, violently expelled out of various orifices when he plays. He pours his all into his play, and as rumors have it, every second on the court is spent in excruciating pain. Fans routinely take bets on when the sheer force of exertion is going to result in something popping or bursting, but the day never seems to come. Frankly, nobody knows how he isn't dead.

In 2012, Pinochet had a stellar rookie year, leading many comparison to Stalin or Nixon. However, his subsequent years have been comparatively lackluster, and his frustration and anger have not led to many more injuries caused, as his violent attempts to lash out often fail miserably.

A solid player, it was his campaigning that led to the 2009 banning of bladed cleats longer than 2 inches, and the 2011 toxins and biohazards reform. Bladed cleats have since fallen out of style due to their clunkiness and general player ability to cause injury unarmed, but the 2011 reforms are very popular among players, and Gorbachev enjoys the respect of most of his peers.

Known only by his first name, Atilla is a mysterious figure with an unknown origin. He came out of nowhere, with a decent performance in his rookie year. It is rumoured that he hails from a primitive civilization somewhere, and is highly superstitious, avoiding having his picture taken altogether, and wearing a mask at all times.